I knew that this trip would be a path of change.. for my growing independence...
First how about a little background so you understand me
I am the youngest of a family of 6 children (5 girls and 1 boy)
I was always taunted or protected by my older siblings.. I chose to stay the silent one for survival
This has caused a tendency for Codependency.. and a fear of being alone and making my own drastic decisions..
When I attended college I rebelled.. but I was still looking.. desperately for the one that would "take care of me" and make decisions for us..
I met my husband and he seemed more than glad to take that role on for us.. but he had his own issues of being bipolar.. and I spent years in another state away from my home ground protecting him and being the bread winner..
He was the one that held the wallet and doled out the money I earned to pay bills... barely..
I thought this was my lot in life.. to provide the money.. but remain silent and take on any obstacles.. and I, honestly, took a lot of mental and physically bruises.. from my husband.. his family.. and from the life experiences we encountered...
Yet.. I can recognize the parts of the years of married life that helped me in my personal growth... My husband at the time came from a background and culture I would have never known if we never met.. I met all kinds of nice and extremely talented people for different countries..
I remember one family from Palestine.. especially their little girl.. that would just run to me.. despite the fact I stood behind the counter at the convenient store I worked in to give me the biggest hug..
My mother-in-law always dismissed her as a brat.. but she was sweet.. just a little hyper.. and seeking approval.. I understood when this kid was coming from..
It may seem strange.. yet life often happens that way.. it wasn't the abuse that caused me to leave my husband.. it was the images of women he sighed over from his internet interests..
I am an attractive woman.. and he knew it..
but he tried to break me down by put downs.. while he commented on these women.. as well as the young bartenders.. that would returned his flirtations..
I think .. that this all added up to a feeling that I would either have to save myself .. or surrender myself to misery.. so I returned to my home town...
I entered into my second attempt of branching out with an ex boyfriend.. who baited and used me more than anyone I ever knew.. yet.. he was one of those handsome.. smooth talking.. Adonis' that can take a woman's breathe away..
We spent years .. on and off.. sharing this wishful world.. or rather he painted it for me.. while taking my time and money.. and I clasped to it .. desperately..
buuut.. On Valentine's Day.. 2011.. in the really morning hours.. this world shattered..
that man became a monster.. and beat me until I was black and blue.. bleeding from my head.. and so scared.. that I didn't which way to turn..
For 3-4 months.. I crept into my own home.. and into a continuing horror flick..
I tried several times to reach out for help..
one night I came from a Zumba Fitness class.. and stared in disbelief and scrawled, penciled graffit up the white walls along my stair case.. It was of the nastiest .. accusations built in this man's paranoid mind.. of imagined spots of his so called evidence that I was less than faithful to him...
I am the most loyal person you will ever meet.. if I say I am with you.. I am WITH ONLY you.. apparently this sick man couldn't understand such committment..
One Saturday morning.. after going back and forth several times.. this man threatened my cat.. that I saved from my marraige.. and I put her.. frightened and as confused as I was in a pet taxi.. called the police and NEVER looked back..
Now.. I am slowely understanding.. that I don't have to be the object of someone's lust and desire to make it out here..
I have survived about as close as I want to be to Death's Door.. and I want to feel more moments of.."Dear God.. it's good to be alive!" than wishing I was somewhere else..
I am not someone important in the grand scheme of this world.. but I am doing what I can to inspire others to see their worth..
I am a part time Zumba Fitness Instructor.. which set my heart free while I was afraid of where I would end up afterwards.. and I took the plunge and received my licensed at the beginning of 2011.
I used to be afraid of driving to other places.. but recentally.. I booked and travelled to Tulsa to receive a Zumba Specialty training that interested me.. and drove in a rental car.. with the use of my faith.. and tom tom and survived to tell about it..
I know now.. that I will be ok.. and it's ok to take this scary world alone..
Whereever you are at.. if you want something.. you should GO FOR IT!!
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